I have been seeing this man for about a year. We have been together twice before but because we were younger then, we were both not ready to settle down. He made mistakes in the past hence he is still in school. Despite that, he does not seem to want to change his behaviour. He spends every dime he gets on alcohol and becomes a nuisance when he is drunk. He is always getting my hopes up with promises that he is going to turn his life around and take care of me. He always comes up with business ideas but he never comes through.He is a good man and he loves me. I really love and adore him, what should i do?
Confused Prim
Women constantly compete with each other Bob, thank you for highlighting the issue about lavish weddings. (Her Vision, Tuesday, August 24). It is so depressing to many a man (not only young ones)! There are many reasons why this disease has assumed epidemic proportions, I mention just a few:
Research shows that most normal women are in a state of continuous active or passive competition with other women. Active competition is with friends and relatives; passive competition is with those whom they see on the streets or on TV. Most women cannot gauge their own self-worth except in relation to other women. Even their men’s opinion is not as important. A comment from a girlfriend or female colleague can have a greater effect than all your considered opinions. That is why many women will almost endure anything just to get a good public rating! Many marriages are on the rocks, but the women hold on partly because of this “public image”.
This leads to the craving for pomp! A certain lady colleague once told me a “sumptuous wedding” is one of the most appreciated gifts a man can give to his lady. It does not matter if the marriage collapses the very next day. To her, this is a public declaration that she is just as good as any other woman around (even better)! It is not just a case of getting a legal status, it is psychological therapy for the woman. Even the most down-to-earth woman becomes a rabid spender at her own kwanjula or wedding. Their argument that it is a once-in-lifetime event is not convincing at all.
Many girls want to impress their parents with lavish “presents” thinking they will get more love and respect. They forget that people’s memories are volatile and these “gifts” are quickly forgotten.
Some women falsely try to gauge the love of their partners according to how much they are “willing” to spend on them. Women do not seem to know that many men are insecure or weak and gnash their teeth to spend this money but not for love! But spending so much out of fear of losing or displeasing the woman is not a good foundation for a marriage, and many marriages collapse soon after the wedding. This is especially when the man realises that all his spending was on a kiwani (fake). Sometimes this starts on the wedding day itself when the man discovers that the bride looks so ordinary after all! The anti-climax sets in and affects him the rest of his life!
Another menace are the friends (especially of the woman) and consultants! Nothing is good enough for them. Consultants think they can substitute their artistic and organisational incompetence in arranging good events by demanding large sums of money at them. Experience has taught me an expert can organise a small budget wedding that beats all the extravagant ones and achieve all the bride’s objectives.
RM
Make a choice to stay or go There surely is not anything to make you confused. In this life, all of us know what we want. Choose between living your life with a man whose behaviour will never change and never regret it.
Secondly, you should both visit a counsellor and seek advice, that is if you are sure this is the man you want to stay with forever. Men who only make promises when they are drunk will never fulfill them. Do not even be fooled into believing any of his promises anymore. If I were you, I would sit down alone, pray over this, ask myself one question: “What do I want?” From that, my inner self will tell me to move on or to stay. Wish you well.
Sheila
Weight his good, bad side I appreciate this discussion page, as it reflects a lot of common and similar relationships and social issues we see and live by daily. What we hope to be fairy tales can turn out to be disaster and painful, if not brutal.
Men and women get emotionally hurt or abused equally when it comes to relationships, but in most cases, it is the women who suffer most as we tend to get overly involved and too emotionally attached to our lovers, while the men tend to rebound faster
I feel sorry about your emotional dilemma. Some of us have been there and done that. Get a piece of paper and write down all the positive and negative things about this man, his weaknesses and strengths. Analyse what outweighs the other and then draw your conclusions.
If you continue to stay with him with hopes of changing him, the only help you can render to him is sign him up at a rehabilitation centre for alcoholics and addicts. If it all fails, then for society’s sake, please start being honest to yourself. You cannot change people who are not willing or ready to change. Good luck
Eve
Hold his hand through his problems It is good that you realised your friend has a problem. If you truly love him, you must walk the second mile and help him out of this problem, but you cannot achieve this overnight.
You also need to seek the services of counsellors — medical, spiritual and social — to help him get off the habit. Without that, you are heading for a more miserable life.
It is true everyone needs to be loved and cared for, but there is a time one must make realistic decisions regarding what you really want in a relationship.
You also have to get some information about his family background. This may help you establish the cause of his alcoholism, and make it easy for you to involve family members.
Do not try to advise him when he is drunk, you will be pouring water in a broken pot.
Anne Avinyia, tutor, social worker
Joan Kisitu,
medical practitioner It is hard to change a grown person. Just let him go, given that he is still immature. You cannot afford to waste precious time with someone who does not deserve it. You are not his mother to impart values in him.
Joseph Kasule, special hire driver Since you both love each other, continue talking to him and include the counsel of elders. He will change with time. There is also herbal treatment for alcoholism. Try consulting older people for advice on how to get and administer it.
Charlotte Nanziri, lawyer Take him to a professional counsellor so that he can come to terms with his addiction and get help. Let him know that his immaturity is affecting your relationship. Try everything possible and see how to make it work.
Silvia Nalule, lab technician Just let him go and move on. He will not change, you cannot change him, and you are not his parent. That is his way of living. Do not waste your time on him.
Catherine Kangwamu, businesswoman It is time to start praying for him. Although he does not show any sign of changing now, this does not mean he will not change in future. There must be underlying reasons why he takes ‘refuge’ in alcohol. You are in a position to help him out, so do not give up on him. Take him for counselling to places such as Butabika, Alcoholics Anonymous, etc.
