Dear Anon,
I truly empathise; it must be hard keeping your head straight, with your own pain, children to look after, bills to pay and a baby on the way. The pain, frustration, disappointment, and fear you may be feeling is expected, but you do not have to remain that way.
Many times we may not be in control of what happens to us, but how we react is our choice. Learning to separate what is in your power to do and what is not is important; spending time trying to change things that are not in your power wastes valuable energy and time, resulting in frustration. For example, you may want your husband to stop the infidelity; you can express your feelings and encourage him to stop, but the sole responsibility to do so is his. Try letting him deal with his choice of lifestyle as you focus on improving self and the children’s wellbeing.
Reducing stress is vital, not only for you, but the unborn child too. I know it is hard, but try taking one day at a time by focusing on the good you can experience in that one day. Resolving marital troubles takes time, but you need to stay alive and well during the process. Do you have a support system to turn to, a friend or relative? Everyone needs help from time to time in order to cope.
As you reflect on the relationship, what can be done differently? Perhaps the way you communicate needs altering. Shouting does not usually achieve much; one only loses objectivity and the point being made. I understand your need to vent anger and frustration, but is there a safe place you can do that? Men have fears too, so he may be afraid to come home to face the reality of what has become of his family. Remember that most people shy away from taking responsibility for their actions. Does he even know how to change?
Understand some of the dynamics of long-distance relationships. Many couples do not anticipate trouble as they make a decision to live separately, thus failing to intentionally protect their relationship. Drifting apart as partners and wandering affections are some of the problems to watch for. At times people do not set out to have affairs, but because proximity is one of the factors that facilitate relationship development and building, in the absence of ones’ spouse, one may gradually get involved with a workmate. This is not to exonerate your husband, but to give perspective to what could have happened. Can it be reversed?
On the side of upkeep, are you earning any income? How best can communication be improved to at least have him take care of the family needs? What other options do you have? Challenges have a way of awakening hidden abilities, unveiling opportunities. This does not mean you are giving up the relationship. It means that you cannot sit around and do nothing.
Whichever way this goes, may it find and leave you a better person.
