Many people keep money secrets from their spouses, while others even go ahead to steal from their partners

By Irene Nabusoba

WHEN they were still dating, Cosmus provided for Tilda to the extent that if he did not have enough money, he walked to town but ensured he paid her taxi fare. But a few years into their marriage, Cosmus’ financial secrets prompted her to throw in the towel.

“When he proposed, he had just got his dream job in a bank. He proudly said: ‘You have been with me when I had nothing. My salary is now sh2m and this is just the begining.

Please be my wife and let’s build our world together,’” Tilda recounts. But three years down the road, after the couple had a child, Cosmus got into his own world.

“When I proposed that we buy a plot of land and build our house, his priority was an expensive car. Cosmus always said he was broke. Sometimes he left home without leaving money for food.

“I thought the car had drained him financially, but one night a thief made off with lots of money he had left in the car. It dawned on me that Cosmus had been lying to me about his financial status.”

For Tilda, that was betrayal. “When I asked him about the money, he asked: ‘Do I know how much you earn?’ He would sneak into my bag to check whether I had money before he left any for upkeep.”

“Things worsened after the arrival of our second baby. He started accusing me of infidelity, claiming I was sleeping around with rich men to get money. I could not wait for things to get out of hand, so I left him,” she says.

Many couples fight about money and keep financial secrets. According to a research by the US Centres for Disease Control, 43% of first marriages end in separation or divorce within 15 years because of financial matters.

Cheryl Broussard, a registered investment adviser and co-author of What’s Money Got to Do With It: The Ultimate Guide on How to Make Love and Money Work in Your Relationship, says financial infidelity is when two people who are in a relationship are not on the same financial page.

What people lie about
Camilla Bukuwa, a counsellor, says couples commonly lie about how much they earn, the investments they have and personal expenditure, especially on relatives.

“Extended families are synonymous with the African setting but as we go to school and intermarry with people with different financial backgrounds, support to these ‘significant others’ becomes an area of contention,” she says.

“Spouses often complain about their partners spending so much on their families, hence many choose to keep this expenditure to themselves,” Bukuwa argues.

“Men commonly lie about expenditure on leisure, drugs, alcohol and women. Have you wondered why men do not want to go out with “the boys” in the company of their spouses? Because she will complain that you spend so much on your friends.”

Bukuwa says: “We tend to inflate costs of groceries and children’s healthcare bills. It may sound harmless but it may erode your integrity and trust.

Some even go to the extent of stealing from their husbands when they return home drunk. There is a general feeling: ‘After all, he has been out getting drunk while I hustled with the children,’” she explains.

Secrets cause problems
While some may see nothing wrong with keeping money secrets, experts say, if the problem is not nipped in the bud, it can cause a host of problems in a relationship.

“Much like infidelity, financial cheating can erode the trust in a relationship and lead to added tension,” Benadette Akumo, a student of clinical psychology, says.

A committed relationship is built on trust, as well as common fortunes. You have to be in the same boat, for better or worse, richer or poorer.”

What to do
Akumo says marrieds should communicate on a daily basis about their financial status. She advises that if you have difficulty talking about money with your spouse, seek guidance from a financial counsellor.

While many couples receive pre-marital counselling before they exchange vows, very few seek financial counselling.

“But it’s never too late. It’s unfortunate that many marriages begin with lies. Even the wedding costs could have been covered on a loan. But you can still seek the advice of a financial counsellor,” she advises.

A financial counsellor can help you and your spouse set up financial goals, whether it is to save money for a house, or make an investment.

Arthur Makanga, a financial adviser, says marrieds could consider having separate accounts, but they could have a joint one for the household. “The key is that both parties know about all the accounts so that there are no secrets about expenditure or investment,” Makanga says.

Jeffrey Gardere, a New York-based clinical psychologist says: “I don’t believe that you have to prove every single purchase; however, if there is a large purchase or one that significantly impacts the family budget, or there is a pattern of spending without the knowledge of the other partner, this can become a relationship problem.

“I cannot emphasise enough the importance of discovering your partners spending habits before you get married or move in together. So figure it out before you make the leap.

If someone is making six times the money I do and still ends up having to ask me for money, it would send up a big red flag,” he says.

Why people lie to their partners
ONE may lie because he or she is having an extra marital affair. Annette Nabuduwa, a social worker and counsellor, says: “Although it is a horrible thought, it happens everyday. You could start seeing someone else and spending on them.

“A woman could start seeing a wealthy man and cannot explain the source of her money or possessions, so she cooks up a lie.”

Sometimes, someone is supporting a habit. It could be drugs, gambling, alcohol, sleeping with prostitutes or pornography. If one makes sh1m a month but comes home with half the amount, there is a problem.

“That is why we have many cases of men secretly engaging in extra-marital affairs and women owning property that their husbands only know about when they pass on — change in financial behaviour is often a pointer,” she says.

Many people resort to financial cheating because of a break down in communication.

Jeffrey Gardere, a New York-based clinical psychologist, says some people marry financial cheats unknowingly, only to find themselves in a mortgaged house and choking in debt.

“Most people are afraid to talk about money before they get married,” Gardere says. “The old saying that opposites attract is often true when it comes to people’s values and attitudes regarding money.

A big spender can end up with a penny-pincher.” He says couples who keep secrets about money may also be dealing with unresolved power and control issues, particularly if a spouse makes more than the other.

“We are a capitalistic society and the rules of the game are whoever has the most money has the power and control, so in a relationship it oftentimes works the same way,” Gardere says.

For comments on this story, write to weekend@newvision.co.ug. Type weekend (space) your comment (space) send to 8338 (valid for Zain, Warid and MTN subsribers)