Publication date: Monday, 29th June, 2009
Dear Viva,
Reserved people are attractive too. But being attractive is not all it takes to have good relationships, let alone marriage. Being introverted should not be reason to condemn yourself to a solitary life.
It is important to note that you were made for relationships. Relationships are part of the creation design. People are created to need relationships. That is why what you are feeling now makes you a perfectly normal human being.
You were also made with the capacity to choose. You are responsible for your choices and actions. So perhaps you need to make a choice to build some friendships. Try getting out of your shell (comfortable routines and patterns of behaviour). If you were wounded in the past, this could be the time to deal with it.
Choice means change. More than likely you cannot bury yourself in only your work anymore. Try going to places that appeal to your values and interests. People are made to take responsibility for their lives. Initiating friendships may be hard, but it is still a responsibility to consider.
A person may have relationship with others, self and God. Each of these relationships is not only important, but intricately related to the others. All three need to be in balance. Since they are so tied to each other, if one is out of balance, the other two will be out of balance too. Good interpersonal relations involve determination, effort and skill. Some of the skills you may need to master are communication and assertiveness skills. The essence of good relationships is good communication. You do not have to be talkative to communicate well.
Maybe you are afraid to initiate relationships. This is true for many introverts. The more you think and act assertively, the less afraid you will become. A little practise will produce confidence. Becoming assertive will also let others see that they cannot take advantage of you.
Some tools to consider:
Shift your mind set: Getting out of your shell and being assertive is a choice
Be persistent: Stay focused and consistent. Your new assertive skills can help you get to where you want to be; that is having healthy relationships
Take charge: Believing that you are in charge of your life will help you use your potential profitably
Use your strengths: Most introverts give a lot of thought to what they say and have good listening skills. Use these qualities to establish relationships
Show more confidence: Get past thinking and feeling that you lack confidence. Believe in your skills, talents and abilities. They will eventually become part of you and gradually show through in all areas of your life
Reward yourself: Whenever you make progress, celebrate it. Your goal should not be just finding a marriage partner, but a variety of healthy relationships. This may be more rewarding in the long run. From the well-established relationships, your potential marriage partner may emerge.
All the best my dear.
This question was answered by Annette Kirabira,
a trained counsellor
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